So rather than keep a post fueled by my out-of-control hormones, I have decided to erase it and start fresh.
I can't ever decide how to start these things. I've got an idea for after I get started but I can never seem to articulate my thought patterns. How about I just get on with what's really on my mind instead of taking out frustrations on people who don't deserve it, shall I?
About a baby:
Most women that you talk to are excited about their second child, especially when it's a planned pregnancy. They deal gracefully with the trials of pregnancy and they seem to grow more wise and mom-like every day because they know what's ahead of them. I, on the other hand, am fucking terrified of having another baby. I'm scared that I won't be able to quit smoking (again), that I'm going to have to go off of the crazy meds and I am shit-scared of having another baby with colic.
None of you were there when Jack was born so sit back and enjoy. My husband was gone for Jack's birth and the first few weeks of his life. My mom was there for me which was a huge help but she left before Kevin got home. So between the time that my mom left and Kevin got home I had gotten so little sleep that I was hearing voices. I. was. fucking. hallucinating. It was the worst time of my life and I really don't want to go through that again.
Now the other big thing, for me at least, is going off of the crazy pills. Unfortunately there is no way I can stay on them for too much longer in this pregnancy but that doesn't stop me from hoping I catch a Leprechaun so I can wish it to be not true. The reason being off of my meds scares me so much now is that my crazy, my inability to control my own actions can have really bad consequences. . . Just ask people who knew me when I was in my late teens/early twenties. I'm terrified that I will lose control and fuck up my kick-ass life.
See? I'm scared and yet these reasons have not deterred me from having another baby. Because I'm stupid.
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