Ah, Memories.

Have you ever thought back to when you were younger and wished you could re-live your glory days? I totally don't. I was such a mess back then that it was detrimental for someone's mental health to care about me.

This isn't really something I've blogged about but I think I'm ready to do it now... I guess. My family was very fucked up and it was fucked up because of my father. He's a douche. When I was growing up it seemed like he thrived on torturing his kids either physically or mentally. I'm not here to talk about my siblings because what they went through are their own stories to tell but I will share some of my experiences here.

I was maybe six and I saw that my mom put water in her shampoo and when I asked why she did that she responded by telling me that it was to get the last bit of soap out of the bottle so it wasn't wasted. Cool trick, I thought, so I decided to try it out on a bottle of Plax (kid Listerine). Well my sister saw me and thought it was hilarious so she went and told dad about it. Now this is all Jacky knew of this story for a long time because I don't think she really knew what was going on at the time with dad and myself (how could she? She was eight.) so she never really understood why I never wanted to talk about this story which is, by all means, kinda cute and a little bit funny.

What she didn't know was that my dad had taken to beating up on me for random stupid things. Not spanking, though he did do that and when I talk about abuse I do not include spankings. He would slap me around or hit me with the wrong end of the belt. So she ran and told him and I was fucking terrified because I knew what would happen regardless of whether or not I was in the wrong with putting water in the Plax and so I hid... Or... Tried to hide. It didn't work out well since I was pretty well petrified so he found me and beat the shit out of me.

I have many stories just like this that have made me who I am today but I also have some stories that have earned the word "torture" by one of my cousins.

So something broke in me when I was young. Some things are mending, some things will never heal but I wasn't able to understand that, when the abuse finally ended, my life would still be ruled by pain until I was finally in a position to get help. And since that was the case I ended up really hurting several people that I love(d). A lot of close friends that I had when I was about 20 took the brunt of my pain and because of that, most will never forgive me.

So long story short, it's not the abuse that makes me hesitant to relive the past but it is my own brutal attacks on my friendships. I am so sorry that I couldn't get help for myself.. That I probably wouldn't have accepted help at the time and therefore made other people suffer for it.

I wish I could kick that Me's ass.

Lets try this again

So rather than keep a post fueled by my out-of-control hormones, I have decided to erase it and start fresh.

I can't ever decide how to start these things. I've got an idea for after I get started but I can never seem to articulate my thought patterns. How about I just get on with what's really on my mind instead of taking out frustrations on people who don't deserve it, shall I?

About a baby:

Most women that you talk to are excited about their second child, especially when it's a planned pregnancy. They deal gracefully with the trials of pregnancy and they seem to grow more wise and mom-like every day because they know what's ahead of them. I, on the other hand, am fucking terrified of having another baby. I'm scared that I won't be able to quit smoking (again), that I'm going to have to go off of the crazy meds and I am shit-scared of having another baby with colic.

None of you were there when Jack was born so sit back and enjoy. My husband was gone for Jack's birth and the first few weeks of his life. My mom was there for me which was a huge help but she left before Kevin got home. So between the time that my mom left and Kevin got home I had gotten so little sleep that I was hearing voices. I. was. fucking. hallucinating. It was the worst time of my life and I really don't want to go through that again.

Now the other big thing, for me at least, is going off of the crazy pills. Unfortunately there is no way I can stay on them for too much longer in this pregnancy but that doesn't stop me from hoping I catch a Leprechaun so I can wish it to be not true. The reason being off of my meds scares me so much now is that my crazy, my inability to control my own actions can have really bad consequences. . . Just ask people who knew me when I was in my late teens/early twenties. I'm terrified that I will lose control and fuck up my kick-ass life.

See? I'm scared and yet these reasons have not deterred me from having another baby. Because I'm stupid.

I'm up and running... Again.

It's been awhile since I've written anything and, even now, I'm not sure I want to continue writing. I'm not exactly sure what the reason is but my creativity seems to be tied to my crazy and since my crazy is under control I have a hard time creating anything. Even my art is screwed right now.

In lieu of just sitting back and letting my brain wither, however, I have decided to give writing another go. And since you need to write what you're familiar with I'll most-likely be writing about this pregnancy. For instance the importance of having a birth plan.. Which, I think, is where I'm going to go with it tonight.

I haven't written a concrete birth plan yet. I learned last time that your thoughts and feelings will definitely change. For instance, I didn't want to have an epidural at all when I gave birth to Jack but then I had to be induced and Pitocin is the fraking devil. I have never been in so much pain in my life. So I had the epidural.

The best way to let your doctors, nurses and midwives know what you want when all you can do is grit your teeth and try to keep breathing is to have it written down. Doctors are pushy bastards and WILL try to make you deliver the way they want you to and you may not have someone familiar with giving birth with you to advocate for you so do your research and write.it.down.

That being said you will have to enter the delivery room knowing that things may not be all peachy during labor and delivery and you may end up having an episiotomy or, dog forbid, an emergency c-section. You kind of have to roll with the punches and see how it goes.

Confused? Welcome to the club. There is no exact science to being a mom and that includes delivering the baby so suck it up and test the water a bit... It's really not so bad not knowing what the hell is going on.